My little clay room nearly suffocated me last night. Despite the cool breeze outside, the heat of the day had absorbed into the walls and created a human-sized tandoori oven. I poured water on myself, turned the fan up until it swung precariously from the ceiling, tossed and turned. Mosquitoes nibbled at any exposed skin and my mind wouldn't settle. It was a long, uncomfortable night that I don't look forward to experiencing again.
Once again, I find myself with feelings of loneliness. Going through the motions of travel, searching for an authentic experience, but unable to shake this feeling of emptiness. I thought yoga and meditation would help me to re-center myself, but I'm not enjoying these practices as much as I thought I would. I miss Vibhu terribly and have realized how much of my heart I have given to him. I want so desperately to be with him again, but know that the next time I see him will be just that much closer to my final departure from India on May 26. Despite my attempts to fight it, I've fallen in love in India and that's put a big, huge wrench in my plans, and has created feelings of doubt, confusion, and uncertainty.
My heart and soul have always yearned and loved Africa, and there's nothing about that that has changed. I know there is something there for me to experience, to learn, to accomplish, but leaving India is seeming to get harder and harder, while at the same time, my desire to be back at home intensifies daily also. I won't feel like I've completed this journey until I've made it to Africa, but everyday I feel more and more ready to go home. I know that I can't stay in India, that Africa is calling me, and that my spirit is ready to be back at home. I feel pulled in 3 different directions and its making me feel a little more lost everyday.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
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4 comments:
it was so good to talk to you today, sorry i had to run!
i know exactly how you feel... its wierd how travel does that to you. it makes you want to split yourself into three people so you can see it all and do it all, and it makes simple choices seem really really difficult. It's like opening up Pandora's box.... it's full of wonderful things but then you see how wonderful it all really is and you have to make a choice; what do i really want? that is, by and large, the hardest question you will ever ask yourself. Just know it will all work out in the end.. if it hasn't been worked out, it's not the end!
I miss you, love you, be safe.
Hi Dona,
Seeing the Ayuervedic Dr is a VERY good idea, you don't want to suffer anymore and dehydration can cause all kinds of other issues. I'm sure the emotions you are experiencing are made more difficult to handle by not feeling well physically. When meditation is most needed it can be harder to flow into it. After you get yourself physically well it will be easier and you will hopefully settle in more and be able to just "be" for awhile. Our spirits require the "be" time to feel and know our path and recharge and that only comes from NOT doing, just being. Easier said than done I know.
As always I am sending you hugs,
Love you..........T-elf
Hey my love-I tried calling you a few times over the past few days but still unable to reach you. I'll keep trying, I hope you are doing alright. I love you and miss you. I'm thinking of you my bestest.
Yeah, Dona. You're in love. That is really fantastic and amazing. Enjoy every minute of it but remember that love is strong and will always be there even if you continue onward to Africa.
Thinking of you.
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